Feb 112017

One of the reasons I love twitter is the ability to have conversation with people around the world and get inspired by what others are experiencing and talking about.

So when Domina Dynasty posed this question on twitter, I was intrigued…

Can you teach someone to be submissive?

It’s a really interesting question and like so many aspects of kink, prompts more questions before an answer can be found.

First it got me thinking about the huge variety in submissives who have served me over the years. This is yet another example when language matters and individual definitions matter the most. The way that I define submission very likely could be different than the way that you define submission.

Yes, I know that I talk about this all the time but it’s that important.

This all boils down to one of my core concepts and it’s this –

Focus on intention, not activity.

Submission is an emotional state. Submission can look very different from person to person.

  • Crawling & groveling
  • Quietly respectful
  • Bratty & defiant
  • Obedient & obsequious

And to really blow your mind, sometimes submission looks like dominance but I’ll get to that more thoroughly in a future post.

However obedience is one of the most obvious expressions of submission, so we’ll start with that.

As a dominant, you can teach obedience. You can teach someone to submit to your commands, and you can teach someone how to do different tasks and actions. You can use punishments, rewards and bribes to encourage or require that someone “acts” obedience, because obedience is an action.

You can also teach someone how to model emotional submission with body language indicators such as keeping their eyes to the ground or crawling or always walking two steps behind.

Those are indicators of submission, but they don’t in any way guarantee the emotional state of submission.

Forcing someone to crawl might put them into the emotional state of submissiveness, but when you force someone else to do the same thing, they’re just crawling. It may not have any have any connection to the way that they are feeling inside.

The action and the activity is not where the energy lies. It is inside of the individual themselves.

Yes, you can teach someone to model submissiveness. You can teach them obedience. You can teach them to express emotional submissive indicators, but there is no (healthy*) way (that I know of) to externally teach someone to be submissive internally unless they want to achieve that headspace. They are the ones that have to put in the internal work no matter how much time or energy the dominant spends on the training.

So the person has to have at least a kernel of submissive desire even if they find it difficult to express that submissiveness. It’s not always easy behave submissively, even when it is desired.

But if they are motivated then there are definitely ways to develop submissiveness. There are ways to cultivate the mindset of submission and to use external actions to create internal headspace.

With the combination of consistent training from the dominant and sincere effort on the submissive it’s possible to grow a desire to be submissive into actual submission.


What do you think? Are you a dominant that has trained someone to BE and FEEL submissive, not just ACT submissive? How do you know? Are you a submissive that has been trained to deepen your internal experience? Tell me about it in the comments below!



* I’m sure that there are ways to teach someone to be genuinely emotionally submissive, but I am unsure of the healthiness of those methods. What I’m talking about right now is consensual and either relationship/emotional submission or sexual submission.





Dec 252016

“But I raised you to be a nice girl…”

My mother has said this a few times during conversations about the last 16 years of a career in kink. I’ve been lucky to be able to be open with her and while I definitely don’t go into specifics, she knows that humiliation play has been a big part of my kink experience and that I’ve written a book about it.

So my usual response is something along the lines of;

“And no one can say ‘Lick this floor!”‘ as nicely as I can!”

The assumption that someone has to be cruel or mean or insecure to enjoy humiliation play is probably the most common stereotype associated with “enjoying” feelings that most people spend their lives trying to avoid. But the interest in adventuring in the darker side of life doesn’t make you a bad or broken person. Instead, you’re likely to be confident, creative and probably at least a little confused about the meaning of your own desires.

Let’s break it down.

You’re probably pretty confident.

This is one that goes against the stereotype in a major way. One of the most frequent concerns/questions I hear is whether those who enjoy sexual-psychological torment (on both sides of the play) have issues with confidence, including low self-esteem or the need to “bully” others. But in reality, those that want this kind of play tend to be plenty confident, if not more so than others. And that’s true for BOTH sides of the humiliation dynamic.

“The humiliation for me does not come from a lack of confidence or self esteem, but from the interplay between knowing I am strong, smart, capable, and knowing I get turned on from being told I am none of those things and less.” – Em the Sissy

You’re probably pretty creative.

Even if you struggle to come up with specific ideas for humiliation play, you probably have a tendency towards creative fantasy. You’re also probably pretty smart. One common thread I’ve noticed between kinksters is that they’re thinkers, you have to be willing to dream outside of the box to come up with an unorthodox desire like this!

“I like the psychological reading of people. Finding those mental please-pain buttons and trying to find the perfect time to press them.” – EQ

Not all types of erotic humiliation will “work” for you.

Your kink is super personal! You can’t expect to just throw experiences at the wall and hope they stick. Just because you’re turned on by one type of erotic humiliation play (for example being turned into furniture) doesn’t mean you’ll like other types (such as chastity or orgasm control.) I talk all the time about how ‘erotic humiliation’ is a state of mind, not a specific activity. For some, spanking is liberating and for others it inspires (sexually arousing) embarrassment.

“Here is the thing, anything can be humiliation with the right people and the right context. What may be innocent and sweet to me may be devastatingly humiliating to you.” – Kk


You might find your own desires confusing and/or frustrating.

For any number of reasons, you might wish you didn’t have this sexual desire which can be frustrating to fulfill. It can be tough to find partners that are into it, and the lack of educational resources can make it hard to understand desires that are deeply taboo. Even if you find your desires perfectly acceptable, they may not always make sense to you or your partners.  And even if you don’t struggle with your desire for humiliation play, that doesn’t mean you don’t sometimes need affirmation. This is especially true the more social taboo your desires are. So I’ll say it again…you’re not weird, bad, broken or gross for wanting to explore things you’re “not supposed to do” as long as you explore consensually.

“I find it somewhat problematic that a large part of my sexuality is associated with shame and humiliation since I don’t actually think there’s anything shameful or wrong about what I’m doing. On the other hand, I’m happy that I do have the fetish to play with, and I find it extremely fulfilling to.” – Ella Notte

There are some tough conversations ahead of you.

As I’ve mentioned, even among kinksters a desire for humiliation can be tough to talk about, and even tougher to implement. There’s plenty of myths to battle and a lack of language to contend with. It can be tough to articulate your desires, limits and fears. Even with someone who’s totally on-board, the execution of psychologically kinky play is much harder to orchestrate than a simple spanking or light bondage. You and your partners will have to be willing to use your words and to bring compassion for each other into your play in order to dance on the edge together safely.

“I sometimes balk at sharing my fantasies of erotic humiliation with my Master for fear that He will judge me (even though this has never happened and He eagerly embraced and allowed me to explore other erotic humiliation fantasies).” – Ashley Rose





Nov 302016

I’ve been teaching classes about erotic humiliation play since 2004 and have spoken with thousands of kinksters and lovers of psychological torment. Throughout that time, even with the mainstreaming of other BDSM activities, I’ve seen that humiliation play continues to be misunderstood even by those who desire it.

So from my abundant experience, here are the Top 3 Things You Need to Know About Healthy Humiliation Play.


1.) There are a lot of stereotypes and myths about humiliation play…and almost all of them are false.

The “kink community” is broadly diverse in so many ways: we all have different backgrounds, motivations, philosophies, skill levels, interests and – yes – prejudices.  In BDSM culture there’s a lot of talk about how open minded we all are, but that’s not always true in practice. We, too, are susceptible of falling into the trap of placing others beneath us to feel better about our own taboo interests.  We’re judgemental; it’s human nature.  Someone who’s into sissification thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to slip on a pink tutu, squeeze their broad hairy chest into a chiffon undershirt and cover encroaching male pattern baldness with a tiara – but think that those guys who smell feet are weird.  A kinkster who likes getting tied in intricate bondage watches someone getting whipped and is horrified, but the kinkster getting filleted with a single-tail doesn’t understand why anyone would waste their time with rope.

Of course this isn’t always the case (please don’t #NotAllKinksters me) but it can be a problem. On that kinky hierarchy, humiliation play is rarely very far up the ladder. There’s so many misunderstandings about the “type of person” who enjoys this kind of play and why. People make assumptions about everything from confidence level (“people who do thise have low self-esteem”) to psychological damage (“people who do that kind of thing are just damaged goods”).  But these assumptions don’t hold up under the light of my experience, the many conversations I’ve had, and the surveys I’ve done.  Until recently (ta-daa) there hasn’t been a lot of information out there, and so there was very little to fill those knowledge gaps.  People who enjoy their intense psychological drama with an edge of degradation have been left to their own devices – to deal with being stereotyped as a particular kind of person, and to try and create a language to express these desires.

I spend a good deal of time talking about these stereotypes in my book, as a way of clearing them out of the way and making room to enjoy erotic humiliation.

2.) It’s not one-size-fits-all kind of play

When you learn to spank or flog, it’s easy to learn the motion and then make small adjustments to those standard actions for each individual scene. This goes for bondage as well: learn the knots then apply them in different combinations. But humiliation play is different; because it’s focused on achieving a specific emotional experience, it has to be completely personalized into order to work on someone. I talk about this a lot as  “kernel kink” : if each partner doesn’t understand the emotional goals/drives of the other, you’re likely to struggle through misunderstanding and end in frustration.

For example, if you try to humiliate someone by calling them worthless after they’ve just given you a half a dozen orgasms, that’s probably not going to ring true. And if you try to emasculate a man by dressing him in panties, and instead he feels liberated, neither of you is going to achieve the target emotional response.

Erotic humiliation is based in cultural context and personal experience, so you need to have  awareness of both if you want successful play.

3.) It can go really wrong, really quickly.

With more physically focused play there are simple signs to look for to see if there’s anything is going wrong. And while there’s of course great variation between bodies, things are generally found in the same place on everyone. But with psychological play, where there may be NO external sign of distress, and the negative triggers are completely different for each partner, “checking in” becomes much more difficult, and all the more important.   It can also be hard to recover emotionally from a scene gone horribly wrong, even if there was no physical contact whatsoever.

Often part of the attraction is the vulnerability and exposure, but those very things are what can turn the play from really fun to deeply unfun fast enough to give you both psychological whiplash. By ‘messing around’ with those tender emotional spots there’s potential for lasting harm to another person – or even just to a relationship –  which can scare off kinksters from actually giving this play a try. Without a nuanced understanding of this kind of play it’s too easy to dive in the deep end too quickly or go rolling off an emotional cliff. Being armed with that understanding is critical to healthy play.

Do you want to learn more about incorporating erotic humiliation into your play? Soon I’ll be hosting my first online course – click here to receive more information!


Nov 182016

Long distance relationships are more common than ever in the internet age and that’s particularly true in the kink community where our relationship and sexual needs are, well, very particular.

Kinksters meet online or at events where people have traveled from all over the country (and sometimes the world) to play and watch and moan and whip and sweat and giggle with each other. When we reveal our deepest selves and most taboo desires, we often find that unique connections are forged in the heat of sexual and energetic adventures. Connections which we’re rightfully loathe to let go of simply because there’s a few miles of land (and perhaps sea) between us.

So we use technology and our imaginations to keep those connections going no matter where we are in the world. Thankfully kink lends itself well to psychological experiences, and that’s especially true for erotic humiliation play. So much of what we’re after in psychological torment is happening in the mind, the physical actions play more of a supporting role than bondage and impact where the need to be in the same room is a critical aspect of the interaction.

Of course it’s a lot more fun to be able to reach out and smack my slut in the face with my own hand! But it suits the kind of degradation play we enjoy to have him do it himself, and after all I am a fan of getting submissives to participate actively in the creation of scenes.


There are so many erotically embarrassing, humiliating, and degrading ways to play even if you can’t be physically together.
With an open mind you can see it as an chance for creativity instead of an obstacle or inconvenience.

For dominants, now is the time to explore the power of the command. Use an assertive tone to tell your submissive exactly what you want from them. Be very specific. Use language and tone of voice to establish headspace without touch or physical presence.

For submissives, practice your begging skills (if you’re into that kind of thing!) and/or brainstorm some ways you can amuse your dominant from a distance. Don’t forget that “Kink is a Team Sport” and you’re partially responsible for having a kinky, sexy good time.

We live in a world of incredible technological connection, so use that to facilitate your long-distance kinky adventures –

  • Performing amusements over webcam or Facetime is a no-brainer
  • Set the alarm on your partner’s phone as a command/reminder to do something dirty
  • Send all photo documentation of perversions performed

Some other ideas include:

Social Media offers a dedicated space for you to express all your humiliation experiences and fantasies. Lots of kinksters have an anonymous Twitter or Instagram account (depending on how graphic you want to be) to post photos and thoughts and interact with other kinky accounts. You could easily have a private account for only you and your partner.

My submissives have always been required to set up an ‘altar’ where they can kneel have a quiet moment to get into the proper headspace for a humiliating task I’ve assigned.

How do you keep an erotic humiliation focused connection going when in a long-distance relationship? Leave a comment and share!



Nov 012016

Did it seem like you’d never heard of “National Erotic Humiliation Day” and then suddenly saw my twitter timeline flooded with tweets about celebrating it?

humildayofficeWell, that’s exactly what happened!

Late in the evening on October 22nd, I was thinking about Halloween and the kind of explorations it inspires. For most people it’s rare to have the chance to dress up and be someone or something else.

Halloween is a day of liberation for so many people, the chance to let a “freak flag” fly under the guise of sanctioned tomfoolery.

It’s a day of costumes and face masks and nearly universal permission to act completely unlike yourself. Wearing the mantle of Halloween allows for behavior you’d never usually indulge in. That’s exactly why it’s such a celebrated national holiday. Americans love an excuse to let loose.

This social freedom is especially felt by women acting/dressing “slutty” (when that’s not their norm), and for masculine men to cross-dress with full flair.

Halloween gives people a cover to explore taboo’s and be someone they usually can’t be. Kink does the same thing.

Like a flash of perverted brain-lightening(TM) the thought of creating a day to celebrate adventures in erotic humiliation struck me and I realized I had less than a week to prepare. But that’s never stopped me before, I’m a believer that some things are better done fast than done perfectly. So I whipped up a few graphics, started tweeting and posted on Fetlife.

I super appreciate the kinksters that joined me on such short notice to celebrate on Twitter, on Fetlife (and here), on Instagram and Tumblr. Here are a few of my favorite posts from the day:

I look forward to getting the word out more thoroughly next year, obviously I didn’t give anyone else much time to prepare (or even know about it!) nor did I plan for world-wide interest (and time-zones) like I should have!

In 2017 Humiliation Day will more be more inclusive, well-known, and fun for humiliation enthusiasts around the world to celebrate!

Annually ‘National Erotic Humiliation Day’ will be celebrated on the 4th Saturday in October, so next year that will be…

October 28, 2017 – I’ll see you then!





Oct 282016


Originally I created this workbook specifically for my 8-hour intensive workshop but it’s been so popular I’ve decided to make it available on it’s own (or with my book.)

“It really helped me dissect and understand the concepts and allowed me to explore myself and really think deeply before I even practice in person.” – an intensive attendee

Spiral bound and printed on thick, silky paper with a full color cover this workbook is…

  • More than 100 Stimulating Questions
  • Erotic Humiliation Activity List – 5 pages
  • Negotiation Worksheet
  • Titles & Names Suggestions
  • Verbal Humiliation Vocabulary Suggestions
  • Space to write out fantasies, erotica & plans for future scenes
  • plus more!

Available Now! – $25

Purchase both the workbook and a paperback copy of Enough To Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation and receive a free 1-month membership to KinkAcademy.com

Only $40 (valued at $65 )

Oct 222016

As the author of the first book dedicated to the joys of erotic humiliation, I’ve decided to launch a day of celebration for this oft-misunderstood fetish. This will be a day to share your experiences, post fun photos, meet fellow humiliation enthusiasts online and learn more about the fabulously fun kink for erotic humiliation!

Annually ‘National Erotic Humiliation Day’ will fall on the 4th Saturday of October.

This year we’ll be celebrating on October 29, 2016


Make sure you use the hashtag #HumiliationDay on Twitter & Instagram – where I’ll be sharing tips & photos all day plus signal boosting your posts – follow me @Princess_Kali (on twitter) and EnoughToMakeYouBlush (on instagram) to see all the kinky, humiliating goodness! If you post on Fetlife, friend me here and send me a link (or post it in the comment section below!)

Ways YOU can celebrate:

  • Post your own photos on twitter, Fetlife and tumbler (see below for suggestions)
  • Confess your humiliation themed fantasies & share your experiences – dominants AND submissives, I’m looking at you!
  • Do you have a blog? Write a post about a humiliation themed topic (see below for suggestions!) and let me know so I can share in a blog round-up post here on my site (post in the comments too).
  • Buy my book this week to read & get ideas (yes, this is a shameless plug!) You can get it on Kindle for immediate download, or order it from me for an autographed copy (I’m shipping out next-day all this week!)

Humiliation Themes for photos, confessions and blog posts:

  •      Verbal Humiliation and Degradation
  •      Foot Fetish
  •      Objectification
  •      Being Turned into Furniture
  •      Dehumanization
  •      Sex & Masturbation
  •      Chastity & Orgasm Control
  •      Messy Food Play
  •      Sissification
  •      Nudity
  •      Bodily Functions
  •      Domestic Service & Cleaning
  •      Punishment & Protocol
  •      Playing in Public
  •      Financial Domination

I’m so looking forward to seeing your kinky creativity and I’m certain you dirty pervs can come up with even more ideas too!

Do you have another idea for celebrating the first annual National Erotic Humiliation Day? Share in the comments!






Oct 112016

‘Topping from the bottom,’ is one of the first things I remember hearing about when I entered the kink scene nearly two decades ago. From both dominants and submissives the view was the same….’topping from the bottom’ is abhorrent. All submissives should avoid it like the plague and all dominants should watch like a hawk, to nip that shit in the bud.

And sometimes that’s true. I recently received (yet another) email from (yet another) submissive (after very little actual interaction, and no established relationship) sharing his fantasy. This was prefaced with the absurd idea that it would delight me first thing in the morning to hear all about how I can bring his fantasies to life. There was no mention of anything that would please me specifically as the person I am, not just a vessel for his desires.

That’s obnoxious and doesn’t improve his odds of earning any real playtime.


But I still think this oft-repeated phantom that haunts so many dominants and submissives has done more harm than good.

The real problem is when any and all communication, feedback, or unsolicited fantasies (within a relationship) get lumped in with selfish and/or manipulative attempts at getting a dominant to “perform.” This is the nuance that I’ve seen is lost when new, or even long-time kinksters profess a unilateral disdain for ‘topping from the bottom’ when what they might be talking about is “submissive expressing desires and needs.”

Concern about ‘topping from the bottom’ has created a lot more negative experiences for kinksters than saved anybody from them.

Over the years, I’ve seen both sides of the D/s dynamic express the reasons ‘topping from the bottom’ should be avoided at all costs.

From dominants:

  • “Do they think they’re in charge?! They are NOT in charge.”
  • “This isn’t about them. They’ll take what I give them and like it.”
  • “I don’t need them telling me what to do, I’M the dominant.”

From submissives:

  • “I don’t want to try and control the scene, it’s not my place to do that.”
  • “I want whatever you want Mistress, my needs aren’t important.”
  • “I shouldn’t tell you my fantasies, I wouldn’t want you to tell you what to do.”

All of that is fine within a fantasy context, but healthy kink has to be rooted in reality…and that includes plenty of communication from both sides. If either partner lets fear of ‘topping from the bottom’ stop communication from happening, there’s bound to be trouble.

When it comes to ‘topping from the bottom’ the two critical elements are the Intention and Delivery.

A submissive HAS to be able to communicate to the dominant when it comes to their desires, needs and fantasies. All kink is deeply personal, and when it comes to psychological play and humiliation, it’s even more so.

The difference is the energy with which those things are communicated.

If a submissive shares their fantasies with impatient expectation, or an expectation of perfection, then that would be what I consider the traditional concept of ‘topping from the bottom’ and it’s not helpful.

However, if a submissive shares their fantasies, needs, and desires in the spirit of giving their dominant information to be used at the dominants discretion, then that is entirely appropriate and is often incredibly useful.

If a dominant isn’t willing to listen to their submissive the chance of a problem occurring skyrockets… everything from unsatisfactory scenes to accidental consent violations to abusive situations and relationships.

If you’re a dominant, you don’t have to be the only person contributing creatively to your kink. And even more importantly, you don’t have to be afraid that suggestions or feedback from your submissive automatically undermine your dominance.

It’s all well and good to do the whole “I AM AN ALL-KNOWING DOMINANT” thing, as long as that thing doesn’t stop your submissive from being able to communicate with you like you’re both actual human beings.

Submissives shouldn’t abdicate all responsibility for creating sexy kinky good times.

If you’re a submissive, look at your intentions when sharing your fantasies and feedback. Communication shouldn’t be an issue but your style, delivery and timing might be. No dominant wants to be scolded by their submissive (unless there’s an agreed upon brat dynamic) and no one enjoys being whined at or having to watch someone pout.

I recommend that you watch the tone of voice you use if you’re talking in person with your dominant. Plenty of useful conversations have been derailed by petulance or the tone of disappointment.

When you share your fantasies as a way for your dominant to understand your psyche, then you’re arming them with the most useful kink tool of all, personalized information. However, if you expect your dominant to simply play out your fantasies then unless you have a Service Top* that’s likely to end up in frustration for both of you.

Find a way to communicate that supports your power dynamic

It doesn’t have to turn into a demand-free-for-all. There are options for submissives to communicate which can help ease the feeling that sharing = demanding.


*Plenty of people enjoy playing with dominant energy in a scene, but don’t at all mind getting information that’s more along the line of instructions and might even prefer it. This is what might be called “Service Topping,” or in this case “Service Dominance” which is dominance ‘in service’ to the submissives desires/needs. Yes, this is a real thing, and yes this is still “real” domination.

You can order my book Enough To Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation on Amazon

What do you think? Does ‘topping from the bottom’ exist? Have you had any experiences with it?




Aug 072016

I’ve been LOVING doing so many podcast interviews, all with totally brilliant sexperts & kinksters, there’s such a huge range of perspectives on sexuality and it shows in the questions they ask and which aspects of this broad adventure known as erotic humiliation they focus on.


masocastlogoMasocast is a podcast I was on a few years ago to talk about Kink Academy and I had a great time then, so I was delighted when Axe, the host of Masocast, invited me back to talk about humiliation and of course, my book Enough To Make You Blush.

Click Here to Listen to Masocast



sexoutloudsmall)Tristain Taormino is a legend in the sex-ed world, she’s worked in every aspect of the industry and has been an outspoken feminist voice advocating for pleasure based pornography and showing an awesome range of diversity the videos she produces and directs. So I’m sure you can imagine how excited I was to be invited on her podcast, Sex Out Loud.

Click Here to Listen to Sex Out Loud


SGR smallerMost recently I chatted with Dawn Serra for Sex Gets Real, she called our conversation “delicious” and I’d have to agree! I never get tired of talking about the depth of psychological play kinksters can explore and I could NEVER get tired of helping kinksters find their most informed and enjoyable erotic humiliation experience!

Click Here to Listen to Sex Gets Real



Jun 172016

After a recent class in San Jose, CA one of the attendees messaged me with the question…

Do you have any suggestions about where to start as a top? Like, did you start by peeing on people, or having them worship your feet, or making them blow into a pinwheel for an hour..?”

The pinwheel option might seem odd to you unless you’ve attended one of my live classes and heard the story, but otherwise this is a pretty common question for tops and dominants that want to start playing with erotic humiliation in their scenes.


Here’s the advice I responded with…

Finding a starting point is different for each top, try thinking about the different activities that turn you on or make you excited and try to find an intersection with your bottoms interests. It’s better to start slow then ramp up. So a golden shower might be a big leap for a first session, but it depends on the dynamic that’s already established and the way that you start to play. Maybe for more of a low intensity introduction you (as the dominant) pee on their body, but not their face to give the submissive time to gauge their response to the experience.

One of the things I talk about quite a bit in my classes and is referenced in Enough To Make You Blush, is…

It’s important to ramp up instead of diving in.

It is so much easier, safer and more likely to be successful if you start with lower intensity activities and words as you develop your erotic humiliation play style. If you dive in the deep end and start off your introduction to this type of play with something hardcore and high intensity you have a much higher chance of things going wrong which can become harder to recover from.

When you ramp up instead of dive in the deep-end, each player has the chance to figure out if the play is enjoyable and if it’s going to be experienced in a pleasurable way.

Which leads me to another bit of advice I repeat often…

Try to resist gorging yourself on the Kink Buffet, which is the feeling of coming upon a huge delicious buffet of all the kinky activities in the BDSM world and being so over-excited that you stuff yourself silly with all the options and can’t tell what’s good and what makes your belly ache.

We kinksters can get so eager to “get to the good stuff” that our overzealousness can lead down a path to disaster. There are so many different ways to play with humiliation & degradation, not to mention more low intensity embarrassment, that there’s no reason to try out your most hardcore fantasies first. It’s really unfortunate when psychological play gets ruled out because an early experienced scene got out out of hand.

When you try new activities one at a time, or matched with a type of play you’re already comfortable with, then both dominant and submissive can get a more accurate sense of how the new play feels and if it goes in the, “Hell yes” category, or maybe the, “We should try that again” category, or even the, “Nope, nope, nope. Cross that off the list” category.