How to Introduce Humiliation into Your Play

After a recent class in San Jose, CA one of the attendees messaged me with the question…

Do you have any suggestions about where to start as a top? Like, did you start by peeing on people, or having them worship your feet, or making them blow into a pinwheel for an hour..?”

The pinwheel option might seem odd to you unless you’ve attended one of my live classes and heard the story, but otherwise this is a pretty common question for tops and dominants that want to start playing with erotic humiliation in their scenes.


Here’s the advice I responded with…

Finding a starting point is different for each top, try thinking about the different activities that turn you on or make you excited and try to find an intersection with your bottoms interests. It’s better to start slow then ramp up. So a golden shower might be a big leap for a first session, but it depends on the dynamic that’s already established and the way that you start to play. Maybe for more of a low intensity introduction you (as the dominant) pee on their body, but not their face to give the submissive time to gauge their response to the experience.

One of the things I talk about quite a bit in my classes and is referenced in Enough To Make You Blush, is…

It’s important to ramp up instead of diving in.

It is so much easier, safer and more likely to be successful if you start with lower intensity activities and words as you develop your erotic humiliation play style. If you dive in the deep end and start off your introduction to this type of play with something hardcore and high intensity you have a much higher chance of things going wrong which can become harder to recover from.

When you ramp up instead of dive in the deep-end, each player has the chance to figure out if the play is enjoyable and if it’s going to be experienced in a pleasurable way.

Which leads me to another bit of advice I repeat often…

Try to resist gorging yourself on the Kink Buffet, which is the feeling of coming upon a huge delicious buffet of all the kinky activities in the BDSM world and being so over-excited that you stuff yourself silly with all the options and can’t tell what’s good and what makes your belly ache.

We kinksters can get so eager to “get to the good stuff” that our overzealousness can lead down a path to disaster. There are so many different ways to play with humiliation & degradation, not to mention more low intensity embarrassment, that there’s no reason to try out your most hardcore fantasies first. It’s really unfortunate when psychological play gets ruled out because an early experienced scene got out out of hand.

When you try new activities one at a time, or matched with a type of play you’re already comfortable with, then both dominant and submissive can get a more accurate sense of how the new play feels and if it goes in the, “Hell yes” category, or maybe the, “We should try that again” category, or even the, “Nope, nope, nope. Cross that off the list” category.