Why the hell would anyone do this?

I saw a post in the largest humiliation themed group on Fetlife and offered an answer. Realizing that this is probably a question a lot of kinksters deal with, I decided to post it here as well.

Here’s a paraphrase of her question…

After showing my new boyfriend pictures from when my last girlfriend (consensually) humiliated me (which I enjoyed), he’s insisting that anyone who does this is ‘sick & twisted & fucked up in the head.’ So now I’m wondering what other people think. I’m looking for a little reassurance.

And here’s my response…

Erotic Humiliation is one of the least understood expressions of kink IMO so I understand it can be hard for some to wrap their head around why anyone would *want* this let alone be sexually turned on by it (on both sides of the scene.) But as a BDSM educator who’s been teaching for more than 10 years, I can assure you it is most definitely a fetish and a legitimate sexual expression.

It’s important that the people playing with erotic humiliation are NOT coming at it from an abusive perspective, there needs to be a baseline of affection and respect. But within the context of a consensual sexual arrangement, there’s lot of fun that can be had (as this group, strongly attests too!)

Even reading through posts on Fetlife where kinksters are looking for ideas, community and arousal…it still doesn’t always make sense. Hell, even to longtime kinksters who enjoy *other* aspects of play (traditional dominance/submission, impact play or bondage) humiliation can look pretty out there. But I hope you can believe that you are not alone (just look how many people are in this group!) and that as long as your limits are being respected, erotic humiliation is just another taboo to play with.



  1. Andrew on June 21, 2020 at 4:24 pm

    I have strong desires around humiliation as part of a D/s experience.. But it is something I have been reluctant to explore with primary partners because it’s not how I want to feel about them. Or them to feel about me. I get off on verbal humiliation and shaming (along with a whole basket of other kinks), and I really haven’t found a was to safely bring it into my primary relationship.