Is playing with real social oppression dynamics ethical in erotic humiliation?

Last week this showed up in my mentions on twitter and I think it raises a really interesting aspect of exploring erotic humiliation. iWantClips.com has the right to draw the line where it makes sense for them, so I completely understand this move. but it brings up the larger question of how ethics and social oppression are handled (or not handled) in erotic humiliation play. It’s perhaps not the sexiest aspect of being a kinkster, but I think it’s a vital component of being a healthy kinkster to look at the potential repercussions of the ways we play and what it means for society and our place in it.

I talk often in my classes (and also in my book) about how sexual desires are often related to taboo experiences, especially in the kink realm and MOST especially in erotic humiliation.

Essentially, erotic humiliation is based in social taboo, and the consensual lowering of social status as a result of engaging in “degrading” activities.

If you look at most of the types of humiliation play they’re based on some kind social taboo: domestic service (classism),

I don’t want to shame anyone for their desires, if you’re an African-american person who gets off on being called racial slurs within an erotic context, it’s not for me to tell you that’s wrong or that you simply shouldn’t have those desires. That’s not how sexuality works.

If the play is being done by consenting adults, then it’s really no one else’s business what kink is being explored.

In reality though, it’s not quite as simple as that. As a conscientious society, and at this particular time in the development of civilization, taboo subjects like race and sexism are playing out in beg ways in politics, entertainment, sports and more. Conversations about social behaviors that are no longer tolerable are finally starting to happen in a way that will hopefully push forward a new wave of change.

During the twitter conversation it was also brought up that many FemDommes come from a perspective of misandry (some real, some role-play) and that there’s also humiliation play based on the degradation of LGBT identities and desires. So the question is, where is the line drawn?

Personally I think that this is where each person has to make their own line in the sand, and to understand that what’s “too far” by our standards might be exactly the sweet spot for someone else.

Our own personal line can change over time, either being moved farther to the edge, or brought in closer than expected.

For instance, I participated in two race play sessions over the course of my 10 year professional career, though those experiences showed me very distinctly that it wasn’t an energy or dynamic I was interested in at all. At the time I thought it was important to try it, as someone who’s always been interested in edge-play and the huge variation in humiliation play, I tried to treat it as just any other form of consensual psychological torment. The men who requested the sessions were articulate about their desires and their positive relationship to their desires. But ultimately I discovered that the words required for a racially motivated scene and the energy that was desired by the submissive, that my superiority is based in my whiteness, were both things that made me feel deeply uncomfortable and were quickly put on my hard limit list.

Which brings me back to the often fundamental energy of misandry that is underlying many of the heterosexual, cisgendered FemDomme scenes, particularly in the Pro world. To me, this is not in the same camp, and the difference lies in who is doing the humiliating. When a woman humiliates a man based on gender, it’s coming from the oppressed to the oppressor. It’s similar to how when a minority group such as Blacks or Hispanics make disparaging comments about whites, it may be racially motivated but it’s not racist.

Ultimately I believe that all consenting adults have the right to engage in whatever sexuality experiences they desire, as long as they are engaging with other consenting adults. But websites like iWantClips.com is under no obligation to provide a space for those experiences. I

 

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