Words are one of the most powerful tools we have in kinky play. Engaging the mind is such an important part of arousal, but often we have little experience speaking up about our desires. The act of using words to engage your playmate’s brain is so efficient and effective, but people can be scared off because the most effective words — especially in humiliation play — are not words we use very often.
I’ve seen many dominants stay utterly silent during scenes, not necessarily as a chosen tool, but because they were nervous about “not doing it right.”
There are a variety of ways you can incorporate verbal into your humiliation scenes, in fact it has it’s own chapter in Enough To Make You Blush: Exploring Erotic Humiliation.
Here are my top three suggestions
- Practice! – Get comfortable with the words so they roll easily from your tongue during scenes. If you haven’t had the mouth of a sailor for most your life, you might naturally hesitate before using degrading phrases, even if its consensual. So whenever you’re alone, perhaps in the shower or your car, try them out.
- Expand your vocabulary! – I’m a fan of ritualizing our kink experiences, so using the same words over and over can still be incredibly hot. But you can also expand your vocabulary and come up with alternate words than the usual suspects. Try replacing slut with skank, or replacing worm with cockroach. Become a walking perverted thesaurus!*
- Play with tone of voice! – Words are powerful, and consciously choosing your tone of voice amplifies their effect even more. Even the message of “I love you” can change dramatically when said with a tone of cruelty & distance before a dominant does some wickedly kinky thing to their submissive. See how the experience of your favorite words changes when said with differing energies such as affectionate mocking or disdain.
*If you’re looking for a way to expand your vocabulary, there are definitely options! Check out my Creative Humiliation Scene Starters™ Deck with over 200 phrases. The Creative Humiliation Scene Starters™ Deck offers a fun and clever way to innovate your verbal humiliation toolbox.
There are also a few books I recommend. My top picks are:
- Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen
- Naughty Words for Nice Writers by Cara Bristol
- The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy: How to Turn Your Fantasies into Reality by Violet Blue